The truth eventually comes out. I tell myself that all the time. I’m in a tough situation and I know some day the truth will come out. In the meantime, I am alone with this knowledge and it isn’t fun. Well, I shouldn’t say I am alone. I have a wonderful family who knows what happened and they are supportive and loving and kind. Even when they are put in uncomfortable situations they are firm in their knowledge of the truth. They are firm in their love for me.
This week was interesting to say the least. I talked to a friend that I haven’t talked to in months. I call her a friend but she was so much more than that to me. She was someone that I thought really knew me and loved me, weaknesses and all. That was until a few months ago. After our fallout, I had written her off. She was mad at me and didn’t want to talk to me about it. She ignored me when my life was at its worst When we finally talked, I understood why she was mad at me. Someone told her that I said awful things about her. I knew that this woman did it to some degree but the lies were far more vicious and painful than I could have ever guessed. The lies hurt just hearing them and I know they aren’t true. I spoke my truth and gave examples of this other woman’s pattern of lies and attempts to get people to hate the people she didn’t like. The hard part is I can’t understand why someone would make up lies. It hurt my friend and it hurt me. The only person who “won” was the liar because she got me out of the friend group. I guess that is why she does it. For her, that strategy works.
Mad and angry aren’t really in my DNA. I very rarely get mad and when I do, it is very short lived. I am more of a feel sad and hide in my room type of girl I am patient and I forgive easily. I normally consider those my strengths but some days I feel like they are weaknesses. After all of this, I don’t even hate the liar. There has to be something wrong with me if I don’t hate someone that tried to destroy all my friendships. I probably shouldn’t even use the word try. She was successful . Instead, I just wish that she could find peace. Someone with so much deception must live with a lot of angst. That is, unless she tells herself the lies so she herself believes them. After this year, nothing surprises me.
Each week I try to move on and I try to heal. Each time I start to feel like I am going to be ok, something happens and the wound is ripped wide open again. I guess tomorrow, I wake up and I keep moving and someday the wound will heal. It’s definitely going to leave a big scar but I want that scar. I loved all the friends I have lost. Even though they are gone right now, I know eventually the truth will come out and set me free. I may cry myself to sleep but I know I will sleep sound because I know in my heart that I did not betray my friends. I know I am far from perfect but I try every day to be kind. I know that I am loved and the people that truly love me know the truth. If anyone ever reads this, please remember to always be true to yourself. Hold tight to your values. Be kind, communicate, forgive, and most of all love.
TEA: I want my favorite green tea right now but it is too late. Hopefully some lavendar chamomile will calm me for a restful night.
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